Words Can Hurt

Why is it that in the throngs of arguing we say things to hurt our partner even more than is necessary?

Is it not enough that in the heat of an argument our communication has completely broken down? Do we have to destroy our partner in the process?

What do you do when you've said something you shouldn't have?

So really prevention is far better than the cure here so if there's absolutely no basis of truth behind what you're saying then think before you open your mouth and don't say it at all. Seriously, you must not cross the line into this territory.

But if it's too late and it's already come out of your mouth then there's two categories I'd like to deal with.

1. Saying something that isn't true. (the one you really must avoid)

2. Saying something that is true but you've said it the wrong way or out of context.

1. If you've purposely set out to punish your partner by berating them, but what you've said just isn't true and you know it, then you must retract your statement as soon as possible and apologise.

Recently, I did this to my husband and even before the sentence was completely out of my mouth I knew it wasn't true.

Immediately I retracted what I'd said and even though my husband and I were in the middle of an argument I apologised for saying what I did and asked him to forgive me so we could move on.

We took a 'time-out' and after cooling down we were able to express how we were feeling and we managed to reach a resolution quickly.

2. Now I guess this could be called the lesser of two evils because at least there's an element of truth to it but at the end of the day you're still hurting the one you love. Maybe it was the tone of voice you used or the context it came out in which you didn't mean so if this is the case then some further explanation can assist.

Obviously, you don't want to dig yourself into a bigger hole but it's important that you explain yourself clearly as well. When you're both calm and the heat is out of the argument then try to clarify what you actually mean.

It's imperative you still apologise for the inappropriateness of the comment and then express that you need to elaborate on what you were really feeling.

You could say something like: "I'm so sorry for hurting you by saying that. It wasn't what I meant and I'd very much appreciate you hearing how I really feel about it".

So what if you've been on the receiving end of those hurtful words. How do you get over that tirade of destruction?

Firstly you need to remember that those words were said at the height of an argument. When in the middle of a fight much of the focus is on defending ourselves and winning the battle, rather than the emotions of our partner.

With anger our emotions intensify to the point that our thought process become scrambled. We're unable to think clearly or communicate well and often the boundaries of what is off-limits are crossed.

Does this mean we should forgive everything that's said in this state? Absolutely not! But it does help to explain why it occurs.

What you need to find out and decide whether you absolutely believe it is; Did they mean what they said? And by that I mean is it a belief they have of you all the time or was it something said to hurt you at the time?

If you truly believe it was something said in anger and frustration then it's best for both of you to let it go and move on. We're only human after all and we all make mistakes. If there's genuine remorse and an apology given then let it go.

On the other hand if what was said is a 'deal - breaker' then you really need to reconsider your position in this relationship. I'm not suggesting you up and walk out as soon as somethings been said to hurt you, but you do need to analyse why you're in such a relationship in the first place.

More seriously however, if what was said could be deemed as domestic violence then you definitely need to seek professional help. If your partner is threatening violence on you or your children, is limiting your financial or social freedoms then please seek counselling as soon as possible.

Hope this has helped.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/8363463

Do You Know How To Love?

We read many things about what love is and what it isn't to help us understand love. But love is not something we can understand from our mind. Until we experience it, we don't actually know what it is or how to experience it in our lives.

Is it love when a parent allows a baby to cry and cry, to get them on a schedule or get them to sleep? No!

Is it love when a parent hits a child and says, "I'm doing this because I love you"? Of course not.

Is it love when a spouse gets angry with his or her partner for not wanting to make love, saying, "If you love me, you will have sex with me"? Obviously not.

Yet these people might believe that they are being loving.

If it doesn't feel good and right, then it's not love. (Except for Toughlove, which might not feel good in the moment, but still feels right inside).

This is true both on the inner level and in relationships. When what we tell ourselves and how we treat ourselves feels bad inside, then it's not love. When how someone else is treating us feels hurtful inside, then it's not love.

The sad truth is that most people don't know how to love themselves or others because they have never experienced what love actually is.

Just like you can't describe a color to a blind person, you can't adequately describe love to someone who has never experienced it. We can use many words, such as:

• It feels safe and nurturing
• It feels full and fulfilling
• It feels happy and joyful
• It feels calm and peaceful
• It feel exciting, alive and vibrant
• It feels light, flowing and creative
• It feel connected and embracing
• It feel fun and pleasurable
• It feels big

We can say all these words and maybe even get a sense of what it feels like, but until you actually feel it, you don't truly get it in your heart and soul.

So how do we get an experience of love if we have never experienced it?

Sometimes, we need to be held by a loving person to a get the experience of love. This often happens at my 5-Day Intensives, and participants frequently say, "This is the first time I've ever experienced love," - from both the experience of being lovingly held and from the experience of spending five days feeling fully supported rather than judged. Most people have little experience with being surrounded by the energy of love when with other people.

However, the truth is that we are always surrounded by the energy of love, since love is the energy of the universe. Love is what God is, what Spirit is. When you fully open your heart to loving yourself and others, and to learning moment by moment about loving action toward yourself and others, you open yourself to the experience of love from your Source.

Anita Moorjani, in her book, "Dying To Be Me," shares her near-death experience, where she experienced this profound love. She stated that if she had to sum up her experience in two words, it would be to "love yourself."

It's when you open to learning about loving yourself that you open your heart to allowing in the love of the universe. While it's wonderful and very healing to experience love from another person, you don't need to wait for that to know what love is - you can know directly from the Source of Love. In fact, the more you open to allowing love in from Spirit, the more experiences you will have of sharing love with others.

We can all know in our hearts and souls what love is - when we open to it. When you let it in and feel it in your being, then you will be able to share it. You will know how to love.